My wife knows that I collect great quotes, and she just gave me one that provides the perfect start to this month’s column. She knew that I had been looking for a way to describe my topic of “cold calling” and it’s importance to the job search. I use that term to describe the process of making contact with people whom you have no connection with in order to expand your network.

Here’s the quote, which I think explains this month’s column perfectly:

“I discovered you never know yourself until you’re tested, and that you don’t even know you’re being tested until afterwards, and that in fact there isn’t anyone giving the test except yourself.” —Marilyn French, author of The Bleeding Heart

The cold call zone is indeed a test, weeding out those who don’t have the stamina to make introductions to strangers and develop themselves professionally via the networking process. It’s hard work, and not everyone is naturally comfortable with a process that appeals to extroverts. But it’s critical to your success, and like anything else, it’s a skill that can be acquired.

Taking a fresh look at why we network
Many people believe that networking is just another job-seeking tool. But before you relegate networking to the dust bin of job skills that are used four or five times in a career, read my definition:

Networking is the process of establishing links between people with the intent to promote communication for mutual benefit.

Would you say that establishing links with others would work best if done only on an every-now-and-again basis? Or, does it make more sense to foster these connections so that, in time, they become stronger and even more useful? Personally, I’ve had times in my life when I neglected my network, and it always pained me to find out a year or two later that I no longer had the tools to succeed in a particular niche. It’s clear to me that one’s network is a living, breathing thing that must be nourished.

And in order to nurture that network, you have to start with a fair number of contacts in which you have had no connection prior to your call. There’s no one who sent you—there’s no mutual friend, and everything about the process starts out as “cold.”

Cold calling is a learnable skill like any other
Behavioral psychologists say that there are three phases to learning a new skill. The first phase is being inept: You are very aware of your incompetence. In the second phase you may have mastered the skill, but you remain conscious of every minute aspect of the process. You watch your performance closely, never allowing your conscious mind to stray from your newly acquired technique. In the third and final stage, which takes a long time to achieve, you master the skill to such a degree that you take it on completely unconsciously, allowing your thoughts to move on to more pressing matters even as you put your new skill into effective practice.

It is this third phase that Keith Ferrazi, successful businessman and author, believes we need to reach to truly appreciate the power of making connections with others, especially those that begin as completely cold. His classic book, Never Eat Alone (Random House, updated 2014), takes networking from a job-seeking tool to a philosophy. Along the way the reader gains a much better understanding of why those who are in the top 1% of their fields, whether science or finance, consider networking and cold-calling to be crucial to their success.

What phase have you reached in networking?
Think about what it was like when you were 16 or 17 years old, and you were learning to drive your parents’ car. When you first got in that driver’s seat, your mother or father beside you, you were almost paralyzed by a feeling of total incompetence. Put yourself in that picture and remember how you felt when you got behind the wheel, entering phase one of the learning process.

Many technical people experience this feeling again when they are told that they must “get out there and network” to secure a job. Some struggle with it; they make a few contacts with friends, socialize at conferences, but they’d rather sit quietly applying online to companies instead of facing up to the discomfort of making a cold call. In short, they never make it past that first phase.

Others move beyond the fear to develop their job-search network, but remain uncomfortable while they are out there making contacts. They are so uncomfortable that they stop networking once they land their jobs, putting away those new skills until they need them again in their next job search.

Finally, there are those who push past the initial discomfort and recognize that the process of networking goes on forever, in many aspects of professional life, and not only at job-search time. Networking at scientific conferences—something they do unconsciously—leads to new opportunities for collaboration, invitations to lecture, unsought job offers, and other good things. Cold calls to new acquaintances move from scary, uncomfortable things to opportunities for personal and professional growth.

At this stage they realize that the benefits achieved are not only professional—many of their contacts have turned into lifelong friends and acquaintances. For people who make it to phase three, networking is as essential as any other communication skill, and it is unconsciously integrated into the daily routine. Just like driving a car, you reach a point where you don’t even think about picking up the phone and calling someone you don’t already know.

Where does a network begin?
A re-reading of Never Eat Alone reminded me how large our initial networks—the ones most of us start out with before we consciously start to network—really are. I used to talk about this in my networking seminars, and it was refreshing to hear Mr. Ferrazzi describe this long list of places to start, from people in your neighborhood, to the salespeople who sell you reagents, to people from far away that you may only have ‘met’ via LinkedIn.

It’s all a bit easier when the cold calls you make are to what I call “Peer + 2” contacts. This term should remind you that often the best cold calls are to people who are just a couple of years ahead of you in experience. They’ll be receptive to talking about how they made the transition to their job, and there will be some empathy for your situation since they were in your shoes not that long ago. Another strong plus for Peer + 2 contacts is that they are considerably easier to reach than the Senior VP of Research or the CEO.

Does networking have to change your life?
Personally, I am a quiet person, still inclined to hang around the edges of cocktail gatherings after all these years of networking. At this point of my life, I’m not likely to become a radically outgoing extrovert. But that’s okay; that’s not what it takes to be an excellent professional networker. Even if you never escape phase 2, you can still use networking to your advantage.

But even if you view networking as a means to an end (a job? professional advancement?) instead of as an end in itself as I have to do because of my profession, it’s important to be sincerely interested in the people you interact with. The single most important lesson that I’ve learned, often repeated in Never Eat Alone, is not to sound greedy. The best networkers don’t ask, “Are there any openings?” within the first few minutes of the call, and they don’t drop you flat if you don’t have anything to offer them immediately. Every “cold” contact you make is more than just a potential job interview—it’s a seed to a future relationship.